So today I said my first 'goodbye' and I really hated it.
This evening, I said goodbye to my cousin who's going in efterskole and who I won't see again before I leave. I didn't saw her often in the past few months, but those times I had really much fun with her, she is awesome. I love her really much and it is hard to think that I don't know when id the next time I will laugh with her.
I started to feel really nervous last monday, when I realized it was the last week I had french classes, the last week I would see those friends which I got to like so much since we've been to Paris together.
During the past weeks, I didn't felt really sad about going 'home', I guess I just didn't realized it so much. But Saturday evening I started to feel dizzy and cold, like I was about to be sick, and holding my tears because we had guests. I know that if one of them would have asked me how I felt about leaving, I would have certainly broke in tears. I really needed a hug, from my brother or my mom or my dad, just a hug, but we had guests and I knew I would have cried, so I didn't asked.
When people asks if I'm glad about going 'home', I sincerely never know what to say because I'm really confused with my feelings. Most of the time I say 50/50 happy and sad, but it's way more complex than that. It's about leaving forever a life I worked my ass off to build for 11 months, saying goodbye to family and friends I love without knowing if/when I will see them again. I internally get mad if you tell me that there is always Skype and Facebook because, as well as it's nice to write to each others, it will NEVER replace a night together talking about everything, and it will never replace the act of being with this people i love having a Hygge time or a hug or just be together doing nothing but feeling good.
I have many more goodbye to say and it scares me, I feel like I'm going to cry a lot this week. I have this thing in my chest that doesn't seem like it will ever leave, it keeps me constantly on the verge of tears.
Okay, I'll try to be less dramatic.
I have an amazing week coming, I have plans every days and I'm going to enjoys the last 9 days of my exchange year. I love this country and I love my family, and I have an amazing life!!
Carpe diem!
